So, I thought I'd modify the list a little bit for myself and my IT department, as well as those of you playing along from home. Here, then, are the 23 tips for slacking unnoticed:
1. Keep your desk messy as hell
It makes you look far busier than you are. Don't forget to shuffle things around every now and then, to make it look as if you're actually working through the mess. At least dust now and again--a stack of papers with a layer of dust on the top is a sure-fire giveaway that you're slacking off.
2. Create an uncomfortable atmosphere
Uncomfortable for non-IT employees, that is. The less time others spend in your office, the less chance they have to discover that you're only there to collect a paycheck.
3. Set aside a time each day to look busy
If your department is visited (read as: "inspected") on a regular schedule by those higher up on the food chain, you need to look swamped when they get there. What they see when they visit is how they think things are even when they're not there. Put on a good, hard-working front.
4. Sort incoming paperwork into a number of stacks
Preferably, one stack for each type of job. This makes you look like you have more on your plate than you really do. It also helps to delegate authority to those under you in the IT department. Sure, you're all slacking, but we know that every now and then you actually have to get some work done. So, organize your stacks of incoming crap according to who you're going to give the work to during the "look busy" time period mentioned in the previous paragraph.
5. Turn off the email alert on your computer
I couldn't agree more.
6. Let voice mail answer calls when you need to "concentrate"
Yes, indeed.
7. Step outside for five minutes at least every 2 hours
More, if you can get away with it. If there are others in your IT department that are living the "I've quit...in my mind" lifestyle, learn to cover for each other and this "five minutes" can easily stretch to 20 or more.
8. Eat lunch in your office
No matter what, eat lunch in your office, glued to your monitor. I'm not saying that you should be doing anything more strenuous than reading reddit or something similar, but it sure makes you look overworked!
9. Pretend you're listening to soft music
When you have your headphones on because you're catching up on Strong Bad Emails, make it seem as if you're listening to soft music to cope with the soul-crushing stress of your job. If there are others in your company who listen to music while they work, pretend you're interested in what they're listening to and what programs/services they're using to listen to this garbage. Then, say something like, "Wow, that looks like a good idea! I think I'll try it!" and head back to your office.
You've now done two things: 1) You've complimented the coworker on his or her choice in music and/or software. That's a big thing coming from an IT employee, and helps make you more believable. After all, who doesn't believe the words of someone who just offered an unsolicited compliment? 2) You've planted in the head of at least one coworker that you + headphones = listening to soft music. Word will spread. If you do it right, what spreads will be: "Yeah, Dave has his headphones on. He's listening to soft music because his job stresses him out. Poor guy! They work him too hard here."
10. Add a plant
Preferably somewhere that blocks the view to your monitor.
11. Sit facing the door
I cannot stress the importance of this enough. If you sit with your back facing the door, that means your monitor is facing the door as well and eventually, someone's going to walk in and catch you playing solitaire.
With your monitor facing away from the door, you can easily ALT+TAB your way out of trouble. Or you can use a program that allows you to use multiple virtual desktops. I personally recommend Virtual Dimension. It's fast, it's free, and you can customize the hotkeys used to switch between desktops.
12. Establish a start up and shut down routine
Personally, I use this one:
1. Wake up
2. Go to work
3. Shut down mentally
4. Go home
5. Start up mentally
6. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Give them the bare minimum at work. After all, that's what they're giving you in way of support, salary and overall confidence. Don't let them suck you dry like the corporate vampires they are.
13. Read a daily inspiration/motivation
Read as: Add "The I.T. Slacker" blog to your bookmarks.
14 . Close your door if you need quiet
Indeed. And how often do you need quiet? That's right! ALL THE TIME.
15. Be one minute early to meetings and appointments, and look very haggard
You don't want to be late, but you don't want to be too early. "Too early" equals "has plenty of free time and therefore time for more work" in the eyes of your superiors.
Remember, though: you never, ever want to be late. Just make it clear that being on time (or a minute early) for the meeting means that those other three emergencies you're currently dealing with are now pushed back by about 2 or 3 hours. Do this in an apologetic tone, otherwise you'll come off as a jerk. And you're not a jerk. You're the unsung hero of the company!
16. Make a list and cross items off when they are completed
Definitely. Pad the hell out of this list. Be sure to add a lot of technical mumbo-jumbo and as many acronyms as you can. Scratch off about half of them, and leave the list in plain sight. Especially when that time of day outlined in #3 above rolls around.
17. Touch each piece of paper once
If only to remove any excess dust and/or shuffle things around to make it look like you're working.
18. Place an “in box” just outside your door
I'll quote this one verbatim from the original site:
If you receive a regular stream of paperwork, mail, envelopes, and such, hang an “in box” just outside of your door. This cuts down on the number of people coming in and out of your office and keeps distractions to a minimum.
One word: Brilliant!
19. Stretch
Work is boring, especially when you've quit but they don't know it yet. You need to stay awake and look fresh and overworked and haggard and ready to collapse. Stretching in a proper manner gives your cheeks that nice, rosy flushed look, which helps you maintain this image among your peers and superiors.
Besides, it keeps you from nodding off at your desk.
20. Drink water
Preferably after drinking two cups of coffee. More bathroom breaks equals less time sitting at your desk. You know, where the phone might ring and you might have to answer it.
21. Eat a healthy snack
You hate your job. Be sure you stay healthy, otherwise that hellhole might give you a heart attack one day.
22. Smile when you answer the phone
If you answer the phone at all, do it with a breathless smile. It makes you sound busy and friendly all at the same time.
23. Leave work at work
Truer words were never spoken. If you're slacking off at work all day, you don't want to slack off once you get home. Quitting in your mind can be dangerous if you've only just started, as you tend to get in the habit of slacking in real life as well.
A couple people in my IT Department mentioned this to me, and I realized I was doing it as well: goofing off all day on the internet, then going home, turning on my computer and picking up where I left off at work. Bad, bad, bad!
Get together with friends and family and go do something! Write, paint, play the guitar...you figure it out. Stay away from the computer when you're at home, unless you have something specific to do that requires a computer.
Slack off at work all you like, but when you get home, live like you're going to die tomorrow.
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