The company has decided to dump more crap on my department, and we are now officially hand-holders as well as I.T. professionals.
The baseless complaints of one very childish coworker has caused upper management to decide to "improve" the I.T. Department--mainly by forcing us to cater to temper tantrums. The coworker was complaining that she didn't get a series of user accounts the very day she asked for them. She knows damn well that these accounts must be purchased first from a third-party vendor, a process which can take up to six business days to complete. Why she decided to throw a fit over it this time is beyond me and everyone else here. We may have to do something to her computer at some point. We'll see.
In the meantime, it fell upon me to lighten the spirits of my department. I decided to start off by creating a desktop background which reinforces and reminds us all of our "Just quit...in your mind" modus operandi.
So, I went to one of those sites where you can make your own faux motivational poster, and created this.
Feel free to download and use it yourself! It's in Latin, so prying eyes can't see what you're really thinking, but it means:
"WORK
Quit...In Your Mind"
I hope you enjoy it. I'll update on our ridiculous situation as I get time. Until then, please send bad vibes and evil karma to our upper management. They need it.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Thursday, May 17, 2007
10 Lies
I just got done reading this article, entitled "Ten Lies Big Companies Tell Their Employees", and I noticed that I've heard all ten before.
Now, I don't mean that I've heard all ten since I entered the workforce oh so many years ago. I mean that I've heard all ten from my current employer.
And you people wonder why I slack.
Now, I don't mean that I've heard all ten since I entered the workforce oh so many years ago. I mean that I've heard all ten from my current employer.
And you people wonder why I slack.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Office Bullying
Just got done reading this article, which outlines ten things office bullies do. I've cut and pasted them here:
* Had information withheld that affected your performance
* Been exposed to an unmanageable workload
* Ordered to do work below your level of competence
* Given tasks with unreasonable/impossible targets/deadlines
* Had your opinions and views ignored
* Had your work excessively monitored
* Reminded repeatedly of your errors or mistakes
* Humiliated or ridiculed in connection with your work
* Had gossip and rumors spread about you
* Had insulting/offensive remarks spread about you
Wow! We've just described every I.T. position I've ever held. Three different companies and four different levels of employment, and these ten were everyday occurences in all of them.
For those of you dealing with any or all of the above ten scenarios: Just quit...in your mind.
* Had information withheld that affected your performance
* Been exposed to an unmanageable workload
* Ordered to do work below your level of competence
* Given tasks with unreasonable/impossible targets/deadlines
* Had your opinions and views ignored
* Had your work excessively monitored
* Reminded repeatedly of your errors or mistakes
* Humiliated or ridiculed in connection with your work
* Had gossip and rumors spread about you
* Had insulting/offensive remarks spread about you
Wow! We've just described every I.T. position I've ever held. Three different companies and four different levels of employment, and these ten were everyday occurences in all of them.
For those of you dealing with any or all of the above ten scenarios: Just quit...in your mind.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
23 Tips for Slacking Unnoticed
I just got done reading this article, and had a good chuckle. That guy's either working too hard, or is actually working for someone who honestly cares about their employees. In other words: not here.
So, I thought I'd modify the list a little bit for myself and my IT department, as well as those of you playing along from home. Here, then, are the 23 tips for slacking unnoticed:
1. Keep your desk messy as hell
It makes you look far busier than you are. Don't forget to shuffle things around every now and then, to make it look as if you're actually working through the mess. At least dust now and again--a stack of papers with a layer of dust on the top is a sure-fire giveaway that you're slacking off.
2. Create an uncomfortable atmosphere
Uncomfortable for non-IT employees, that is. The less time others spend in your office, the less chance they have to discover that you're only there to collect a paycheck.
3. Set aside a time each day to look busy
If your department is visited (read as: "inspected") on a regular schedule by those higher up on the food chain, you need to look swamped when they get there. What they see when they visit is how they think things are even when they're not there. Put on a good, hard-working front.
4. Sort incoming paperwork into a number of stacks
Preferably, one stack for each type of job. This makes you look like you have more on your plate than you really do. It also helps to delegate authority to those under you in the IT department. Sure, you're all slacking, but we know that every now and then you actually have to get some work done. So, organize your stacks of incoming crap according to who you're going to give the work to during the "look busy" time period mentioned in the previous paragraph.
5. Turn off the email alert on your computer
I couldn't agree more.
6. Let voice mail answer calls when you need to "concentrate"
Yes, indeed.
7. Step outside for five minutes at least every 2 hours
More, if you can get away with it. If there are others in your IT department that are living the "I've quit...in my mind" lifestyle, learn to cover for each other and this "five minutes" can easily stretch to 20 or more.
8. Eat lunch in your office
No matter what, eat lunch in your office, glued to your monitor. I'm not saying that you should be doing anything more strenuous than reading reddit or something similar, but it sure makes you look overworked!
9. Pretend you're listening to soft music
When you have your headphones on because you're catching up on Strong Bad Emails, make it seem as if you're listening to soft music to cope with the soul-crushing stress of your job. If there are others in your company who listen to music while they work, pretend you're interested in what they're listening to and what programs/services they're using to listen to this garbage. Then, say something like, "Wow, that looks like a good idea! I think I'll try it!" and head back to your office.
You've now done two things: 1) You've complimented the coworker on his or her choice in music and/or software. That's a big thing coming from an IT employee, and helps make you more believable. After all, who doesn't believe the words of someone who just offered an unsolicited compliment? 2) You've planted in the head of at least one coworker that you + headphones = listening to soft music. Word will spread. If you do it right, what spreads will be: "Yeah, Dave has his headphones on. He's listening to soft music because his job stresses him out. Poor guy! They work him too hard here."
10. Add a plant
Preferably somewhere that blocks the view to your monitor.
11. Sit facing the door
I cannot stress the importance of this enough. If you sit with your back facing the door, that means your monitor is facing the door as well and eventually, someone's going to walk in and catch you playing solitaire.
With your monitor facing away from the door, you can easily ALT+TAB your way out of trouble. Or you can use a program that allows you to use multiple virtual desktops. I personally recommend Virtual Dimension. It's fast, it's free, and you can customize the hotkeys used to switch between desktops.
12. Establish a start up and shut down routine
Personally, I use this one:
1. Wake up
2. Go to work
3. Shut down mentally
4. Go home
5. Start up mentally
6. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Give them the bare minimum at work. After all, that's what they're giving you in way of support, salary and overall confidence. Don't let them suck you dry like the corporate vampires they are.
13. Read a daily inspiration/motivation
Read as: Add "The I.T. Slacker" blog to your bookmarks.
14 . Close your door if you need quiet
Indeed. And how often do you need quiet? That's right! ALL THE TIME.
15. Be one minute early to meetings and appointments, and look very haggard
You don't want to be late, but you don't want to be too early. "Too early" equals "has plenty of free time and therefore time for more work" in the eyes of your superiors.
Remember, though: you never, ever want to be late. Just make it clear that being on time (or a minute early) for the meeting means that those other three emergencies you're currently dealing with are now pushed back by about 2 or 3 hours. Do this in an apologetic tone, otherwise you'll come off as a jerk. And you're not a jerk. You're the unsung hero of the company!
16. Make a list and cross items off when they are completed
Definitely. Pad the hell out of this list. Be sure to add a lot of technical mumbo-jumbo and as many acronyms as you can. Scratch off about half of them, and leave the list in plain sight. Especially when that time of day outlined in #3 above rolls around.
17. Touch each piece of paper once
If only to remove any excess dust and/or shuffle things around to make it look like you're working.
18. Place an “in box” just outside your door
I'll quote this one verbatim from the original site:
One word: Brilliant!
19. Stretch
Work is boring, especially when you've quit but they don't know it yet. You need to stay awake and look fresh and overworked and haggard and ready to collapse. Stretching in a proper manner gives your cheeks that nice, rosy flushed look, which helps you maintain this image among your peers and superiors.
Besides, it keeps you from nodding off at your desk.
20. Drink water
Preferably after drinking two cups of coffee. More bathroom breaks equals less time sitting at your desk. You know, where the phone might ring and you might have to answer it.
21. Eat a healthy snack
You hate your job. Be sure you stay healthy, otherwise that hellhole might give you a heart attack one day.
22. Smile when you answer the phone
If you answer the phone at all, do it with a breathless smile. It makes you sound busy and friendly all at the same time.
23. Leave work at work
Truer words were never spoken. If you're slacking off at work all day, you don't want to slack off once you get home. Quitting in your mind can be dangerous if you've only just started, as you tend to get in the habit of slacking in real life as well.
A couple people in my IT Department mentioned this to me, and I realized I was doing it as well: goofing off all day on the internet, then going home, turning on my computer and picking up where I left off at work. Bad, bad, bad!
Get together with friends and family and go do something! Write, paint, play the guitar...you figure it out. Stay away from the computer when you're at home, unless you have something specific to do that requires a computer.
Slack off at work all you like, but when you get home, live like you're going to die tomorrow.
So, I thought I'd modify the list a little bit for myself and my IT department, as well as those of you playing along from home. Here, then, are the 23 tips for slacking unnoticed:
1. Keep your desk messy as hell
It makes you look far busier than you are. Don't forget to shuffle things around every now and then, to make it look as if you're actually working through the mess. At least dust now and again--a stack of papers with a layer of dust on the top is a sure-fire giveaway that you're slacking off.
2. Create an uncomfortable atmosphere
Uncomfortable for non-IT employees, that is. The less time others spend in your office, the less chance they have to discover that you're only there to collect a paycheck.
3. Set aside a time each day to look busy
If your department is visited (read as: "inspected") on a regular schedule by those higher up on the food chain, you need to look swamped when they get there. What they see when they visit is how they think things are even when they're not there. Put on a good, hard-working front.
4. Sort incoming paperwork into a number of stacks
Preferably, one stack for each type of job. This makes you look like you have more on your plate than you really do. It also helps to delegate authority to those under you in the IT department. Sure, you're all slacking, but we know that every now and then you actually have to get some work done. So, organize your stacks of incoming crap according to who you're going to give the work to during the "look busy" time period mentioned in the previous paragraph.
5. Turn off the email alert on your computer
I couldn't agree more.
6. Let voice mail answer calls when you need to "concentrate"
Yes, indeed.
7. Step outside for five minutes at least every 2 hours
More, if you can get away with it. If there are others in your IT department that are living the "I've quit...in my mind" lifestyle, learn to cover for each other and this "five minutes" can easily stretch to 20 or more.
8. Eat lunch in your office
No matter what, eat lunch in your office, glued to your monitor. I'm not saying that you should be doing anything more strenuous than reading reddit or something similar, but it sure makes you look overworked!
9. Pretend you're listening to soft music
When you have your headphones on because you're catching up on Strong Bad Emails, make it seem as if you're listening to soft music to cope with the soul-crushing stress of your job. If there are others in your company who listen to music while they work, pretend you're interested in what they're listening to and what programs/services they're using to listen to this garbage. Then, say something like, "Wow, that looks like a good idea! I think I'll try it!" and head back to your office.
You've now done two things: 1) You've complimented the coworker on his or her choice in music and/or software. That's a big thing coming from an IT employee, and helps make you more believable. After all, who doesn't believe the words of someone who just offered an unsolicited compliment? 2) You've planted in the head of at least one coworker that you + headphones = listening to soft music. Word will spread. If you do it right, what spreads will be: "Yeah, Dave has his headphones on. He's listening to soft music because his job stresses him out. Poor guy! They work him too hard here."
10. Add a plant
Preferably somewhere that blocks the view to your monitor.
11. Sit facing the door
I cannot stress the importance of this enough. If you sit with your back facing the door, that means your monitor is facing the door as well and eventually, someone's going to walk in and catch you playing solitaire.
With your monitor facing away from the door, you can easily ALT+TAB your way out of trouble. Or you can use a program that allows you to use multiple virtual desktops. I personally recommend Virtual Dimension. It's fast, it's free, and you can customize the hotkeys used to switch between desktops.
12. Establish a start up and shut down routine
Personally, I use this one:
1. Wake up
2. Go to work
3. Shut down mentally
4. Go home
5. Start up mentally
6. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Give them the bare minimum at work. After all, that's what they're giving you in way of support, salary and overall confidence. Don't let them suck you dry like the corporate vampires they are.
13. Read a daily inspiration/motivation
Read as: Add "The I.T. Slacker" blog to your bookmarks.
14 . Close your door if you need quiet
Indeed. And how often do you need quiet? That's right! ALL THE TIME.
15. Be one minute early to meetings and appointments, and look very haggard
You don't want to be late, but you don't want to be too early. "Too early" equals "has plenty of free time and therefore time for more work" in the eyes of your superiors.
Remember, though: you never, ever want to be late. Just make it clear that being on time (or a minute early) for the meeting means that those other three emergencies you're currently dealing with are now pushed back by about 2 or 3 hours. Do this in an apologetic tone, otherwise you'll come off as a jerk. And you're not a jerk. You're the unsung hero of the company!
16. Make a list and cross items off when they are completed
Definitely. Pad the hell out of this list. Be sure to add a lot of technical mumbo-jumbo and as many acronyms as you can. Scratch off about half of them, and leave the list in plain sight. Especially when that time of day outlined in #3 above rolls around.
17. Touch each piece of paper once
If only to remove any excess dust and/or shuffle things around to make it look like you're working.
18. Place an “in box” just outside your door
I'll quote this one verbatim from the original site:
If you receive a regular stream of paperwork, mail, envelopes, and such, hang an “in box” just outside of your door. This cuts down on the number of people coming in and out of your office and keeps distractions to a minimum.
One word: Brilliant!
19. Stretch
Work is boring, especially when you've quit but they don't know it yet. You need to stay awake and look fresh and overworked and haggard and ready to collapse. Stretching in a proper manner gives your cheeks that nice, rosy flushed look, which helps you maintain this image among your peers and superiors.
Besides, it keeps you from nodding off at your desk.
20. Drink water
Preferably after drinking two cups of coffee. More bathroom breaks equals less time sitting at your desk. You know, where the phone might ring and you might have to answer it.
21. Eat a healthy snack
You hate your job. Be sure you stay healthy, otherwise that hellhole might give you a heart attack one day.
22. Smile when you answer the phone
If you answer the phone at all, do it with a breathless smile. It makes you sound busy and friendly all at the same time.
23. Leave work at work
Truer words were never spoken. If you're slacking off at work all day, you don't want to slack off once you get home. Quitting in your mind can be dangerous if you've only just started, as you tend to get in the habit of slacking in real life as well.
A couple people in my IT Department mentioned this to me, and I realized I was doing it as well: goofing off all day on the internet, then going home, turning on my computer and picking up where I left off at work. Bad, bad, bad!
Get together with friends and family and go do something! Write, paint, play the guitar...you figure it out. Stay away from the computer when you're at home, unless you have something specific to do that requires a computer.
Slack off at work all you like, but when you get home, live like you're going to die tomorrow.
Friday, May 4, 2007
An article for you
Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I needed some time off, so I called in sick.
Was I really sick? Do you even need to ask?
Anyway, here's an article that really hit home for my IT crew. It was passed around in the department here by the time I got back from my serious illness, and it's definitely a good read.
N.B.: I've noticed that the site's down more often than it's up, so keep trying. I'd cut and paste it here, but I don't have the author's permission to do so.
It's worth the trouble, I promise. Keep trying!
Finally: If you're reading this blog and you're not an IT person, read it twice. Keep it in mind the next time you run across a "computer guy".
Was I really sick? Do you even need to ask?
Anyway, here's an article that really hit home for my IT crew. It was passed around in the department here by the time I got back from my serious illness, and it's definitely a good read.
N.B.: I've noticed that the site's down more often than it's up, so keep trying. I'd cut and paste it here, but I don't have the author's permission to do so.
It's worth the trouble, I promise. Keep trying!
Finally: If you're reading this blog and you're not an IT person, read it twice. Keep it in mind the next time you run across a "computer guy".
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Quick article links
Was slacking off today, and ran across the following two articles:
Why I'm not a Sysadmin, and Fear of Firing.
The first one does a good job explaining the problems faced when working in an IT-related career, while the second one is an interesting treatment on why businesses are loathe to fire even their most incompetent employees.
Interesting reads. Check them out! I'll be posting more about my department soon.
Why I'm not a Sysadmin, and Fear of Firing.
The first one does a good job explaining the problems faced when working in an IT-related career, while the second one is an interesting treatment on why businesses are loathe to fire even their most incompetent employees.
Interesting reads. Check them out! I'll be posting more about my department soon.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Reaffirming my Sense of Slack
In writing yesterday's posts (Trick numbers One and Two), a little voice in the back of my head kept saying, "You know, some people are going to read that and wonder why you're trying so hard to slack. They'll assuredly send you some comments telling you how much easier it would be to just work!"
I hear that a lot from family, actually: "Wouldn't it be much easier to just work?"
My answer? "Nope."
For starters, it's easier on my mental health and blood pressure to slack off, knowing that I'm getting paid for slacking off, and knowing that I'm essentially ripping off my employers by doing so. Revenge isn't a dish best served cold. It's a dish that's naturally sweet and tasty, if you do it right.
Oh, I could go on and on, but I'm actually thinking about picking up writing again. You know that novel I started about a year ago? Well, you don't, but I did, and it exists.
I'll be rewriting that thing at work, I think. Thank you, Google Docs and Spreadsheets!
(Note to self: Create future blog post with a list of awesome "slack at work" tools!)
Anyway, the whole point of this post is to show you one thing. I kind of got off-track there for a minute.
I ran across an article just now, called "22 ways to kick that afternoon office rut", and read it over, smiling to myself.
See, I used to read these things religiously, in the vain hope that it would help me get through just One More Work Day. It was pretty sad, actually.
Now, I have one solution, instead of twenty-two. Just Quit...in your mind.
Problem solved! Thanks, Brad.
I hear that a lot from family, actually: "Wouldn't it be much easier to just work?"
My answer? "Nope."
For starters, it's easier on my mental health and blood pressure to slack off, knowing that I'm getting paid for slacking off, and knowing that I'm essentially ripping off my employers by doing so. Revenge isn't a dish best served cold. It's a dish that's naturally sweet and tasty, if you do it right.
Oh, I could go on and on, but I'm actually thinking about picking up writing again. You know that novel I started about a year ago? Well, you don't, but I did, and it exists.
I'll be rewriting that thing at work, I think. Thank you, Google Docs and Spreadsheets!
(Note to self: Create future blog post with a list of awesome "slack at work" tools!)
Anyway, the whole point of this post is to show you one thing. I kind of got off-track there for a minute.
I ran across an article just now, called "22 ways to kick that afternoon office rut", and read it over, smiling to myself.
See, I used to read these things religiously, in the vain hope that it would help me get through just One More Work Day. It was pretty sad, actually.
Now, I have one solution, instead of twenty-two. Just Quit...in your mind.
Problem solved! Thanks, Brad.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Trick Number Two
Many Hands equal Light Work
This trick just occurred to me, and I thought I should write it down. I don't know how well it'll work, but it's worth a shot.
Here's the general idea:
We're all pretty much sitting here wasting company time and not doing much of anything. So what happens when a problem comes along that you can't put aside with the "Nag Lag" rule? What happens when something actually needs to be fixed RIGHT NOW?
Simple answer: everyone pitches in.
If it's a strange problem that requires a lot of obscure Googling, then everyone Googles it and shares their best hits. Once the solution is found, the person the problem was originally assigned to delivers it to the end user and gets the credit for the fix. If it's a problem that was thrown at the department in general, we'll rotate problem-solvers so everyone gets a chance to shine.
This will serve two purposes:
* Everyone under me looks like a real problem-solver and go-getter, which will really come in handy for them at review time. I want all my people to get regular raises and bonuses. I don't want anyone to leave, especially with the knowledge that we're an entire department of slackers.
* The entire IT department benefits: we look like a department of whiz kids when any and all of us are able to solve the weirdest problems.
Just a thought I'll run by the department at some point. Not now, though. Too much slacking to be done, after all. :)
This trick just occurred to me, and I thought I should write it down. I don't know how well it'll work, but it's worth a shot.
Here's the general idea:
We're all pretty much sitting here wasting company time and not doing much of anything. So what happens when a problem comes along that you can't put aside with the "Nag Lag" rule? What happens when something actually needs to be fixed RIGHT NOW?
Simple answer: everyone pitches in.
If it's a strange problem that requires a lot of obscure Googling, then everyone Googles it and shares their best hits. Once the solution is found, the person the problem was originally assigned to delivers it to the end user and gets the credit for the fix. If it's a problem that was thrown at the department in general, we'll rotate problem-solvers so everyone gets a chance to shine.
This will serve two purposes:
* Everyone under me looks like a real problem-solver and go-getter, which will really come in handy for them at review time. I want all my people to get regular raises and bonuses. I don't want anyone to leave, especially with the knowledge that we're an entire department of slackers.
* The entire IT department benefits: we look like a department of whiz kids when any and all of us are able to solve the weirdest problems.
Just a thought I'll run by the department at some point. Not now, though. Too much slacking to be done, after all. :)
Trick Number One
We're compiling a list of tricks here in the IT department. You know, little things that seem to make the job go smoother while keeping to the all-important "I've quit...in my mind" rule. We share these within the department, to make everyone's lives a little easier. I'll also be sharing them here with you, dear reader, in the hopes that you can use them to your advantage.
I've decided (with unanimous support from the department) that any and all tricks must conform to the following three guidelines before they can be considered for entry to The List. These three guidelines have been dubbed "The Holy Trinity", and are detailed below:
The Holy Trinity:
All rules...
* ...must keep tech support from going crazy, even if only as a by-product.
* ...must not endanger the "I've quit in my mind" mantra. Bonus points if the trick actually obscures this mantra, and makes you look more productive than you actually are.
* ...must train the end users, administrative staff, and/or bosses and suits.
Today's trick is called The Nag Lag, and it's very simple. If you work in tech support, you know that there are end users who call you up the instant something goes wrong, no matter how trivial the problem really is. They're either scared of computers in general, or just don't like to think. After all, what's the point in learning anything about your computer when tech support's just a phone call away? This happens quite frequently at the Company here.
As a result, we delay our solution. Via email, this is easy: simply don't answer the email for an hour or so. Over the phone is a little more difficult. There's only so many times you can say, "I've written down your problem and I'll get back to you ASAP, but I'm in the middle of a server crisis right now", or words to that effect. Perhaps I'll have the team here compile a list of suitable "Nag Lag" phrases for a future post.
So, why do we delay our support? It's simple: at the Company here, we've noticed that, if the end user is left to her own devices (e.g., while waiting for tech support to call back), she will usually figure out the problem on her own. She may even follow up with an email or phone message saying, "I figured it out! It was stupid. Nevermind!" and all is right with the world.
Remember, the trick is to slack off as much as possible while keeping everyone else as happy as possible, and therefore completely clueless to the fact that you're an entire IT department who's already quit their jobs but are still collecting paychecks from the Company.
We like this trick for a number of reasons.
First, it keeps us from pulling our hair out by answering the same five stupid questions every day.
Second, it works: you don't get burned for slacking off if you use this trick--just claim that you're absolutely swamped and can't get back to them right away, but you're seriously looking into the problem and will have a solution shortly.
Third, it trains the users. If you give out immediate answers, the end users will assume that you will give out future answers and solutions in the same time frame. As long as the users are used to a distinct time delay between when they request help and when they get their answers, you and your IT department won't be pressured by the "FIX IT NOW!" types as often as you would otherwise. It also makes you look very, very busy if you do it right.
You can see that the Nag Lag follows all three Holy Trinity guidelines. It's a good trick. I heartily recommend it. Post a comment below if you've used the Nag Lag, or if you have a better idea.
I've decided (with unanimous support from the department) that any and all tricks must conform to the following three guidelines before they can be considered for entry to The List. These three guidelines have been dubbed "The Holy Trinity", and are detailed below:
The Holy Trinity:
All rules...
* ...must keep tech support from going crazy, even if only as a by-product.
* ...must not endanger the "I've quit in my mind" mantra. Bonus points if the trick actually obscures this mantra, and makes you look more productive than you actually are.
* ...must train the end users, administrative staff, and/or bosses and suits.
Today's trick is called The Nag Lag, and it's very simple. If you work in tech support, you know that there are end users who call you up the instant something goes wrong, no matter how trivial the problem really is. They're either scared of computers in general, or just don't like to think. After all, what's the point in learning anything about your computer when tech support's just a phone call away? This happens quite frequently at the Company here.
As a result, we delay our solution. Via email, this is easy: simply don't answer the email for an hour or so. Over the phone is a little more difficult. There's only so many times you can say, "I've written down your problem and I'll get back to you ASAP, but I'm in the middle of a server crisis right now", or words to that effect. Perhaps I'll have the team here compile a list of suitable "Nag Lag" phrases for a future post.
So, why do we delay our support? It's simple: at the Company here, we've noticed that, if the end user is left to her own devices (e.g., while waiting for tech support to call back), she will usually figure out the problem on her own. She may even follow up with an email or phone message saying, "I figured it out! It was stupid. Nevermind!" and all is right with the world.
Remember, the trick is to slack off as much as possible while keeping everyone else as happy as possible, and therefore completely clueless to the fact that you're an entire IT department who's already quit their jobs but are still collecting paychecks from the Company.
We like this trick for a number of reasons.
First, it keeps us from pulling our hair out by answering the same five stupid questions every day.
Second, it works: you don't get burned for slacking off if you use this trick--just claim that you're absolutely swamped and can't get back to them right away, but you're seriously looking into the problem and will have a solution shortly.
Third, it trains the users. If you give out immediate answers, the end users will assume that you will give out future answers and solutions in the same time frame. As long as the users are used to a distinct time delay between when they request help and when they get their answers, you and your IT department won't be pressured by the "FIX IT NOW!" types as often as you would otherwise. It also makes you look very, very busy if you do it right.
You can see that the Nag Lag follows all three Holy Trinity guidelines. It's a good trick. I heartily recommend it. Post a comment below if you've used the Nag Lag, or if you have a better idea.
Friday, April 13, 2007
If you're a suit, I'm your worst nightmare
Hi there. I work in I.T.
You might work in I.T. as well. If so, enjoy the show. If you're not working in I.T., you may find this interesting anyway. If you're one of those super-corporate types--the kind running a multi-million dollar company with its own I.T. department--well, this just might keep you up at night.
I work for a multi-million dollar company with offices and personnel in (last I checked) eight states. When I say "I work in I.T.", I don't mean I'm doing part-time phone support. Oh, no. I'm in an administrative/managerial position. I fly cross-country on the company's dime to attend meetings and seminars multiple times every year. I sit in on all the high-level admin meetings, and even look like I'm paying attention! I don't wear a suit, but I probably should. I get away with not wearing a suit because I'm in I.T.--which is one of the little perks of the job, as anyone in I.T. will tell you.
I get away with a lot more, too. You see, I'm a slacker. A bad, bad slacker. In fact, I'm writing this from my nice corner office at work. There are a number of other things I should be doing right now, but I'm simply not doing them. Why? It's a long story, really. One that might be familiar to you, especially if you work in I.T.
I used to be that guy who came to work first and was the last to leave. I was the one who fixed every problem with a smile. I was the guy who made your computer and the network it talked to work as flawlessy as they seem to do in the movies. That was me.
Somewhere along the way, though, things happened. My budgeting proposals were shot down. My reliable computer equipment was vetoed in favor of less-expensive (and far less reliable) alternatives. The budgeting I put aside for training for my staff and me was cut outright, even though it was only four percent of the total budget. "You need to train on your own time and your own budget," I was told, while I watched the accounting and other departments get bonuses, reimbursements, and other perks.
From there it just got worse. All the Business Department's stupid budgeting decisions for how to fund and staff the I.T. department created a lot of problems. And who took the heat? Who got screamed at over the phone? Me. Me and my department paid for the miserliness and idiocy of others. Soon, the level of support we were able to provide slipped further and further into crumbling ruin. We did the best with what little we had, and it still wasn't enough. It just gets worse from there. Although I'd love to do so, I really can't give more details, as that would give away who I am and where I work. For now, you'll have to trust me that things took a decided turn for the worse almost a year ago.
It was very, very hard to keep the best people in my department from quitting, and I couldn't keep them all, unfortunately. What was more of a family than just another bunch of wage-slaves grouped together by skill type was shaken a few times as bright and talented (and well-liked) people either quit or were fired for no good reason. I felt guilty for convincing people to stay. "It'll get better," I said, not knowing if it would or not. Before long, you'd walk into my part of the building and think you'd accidentally stumbled upon a funeral.
I started slacking unconciously at first. I'd avoid people (even my own people) because I just didn't want to deal with the stress anymore. I'd spend weeks at a time at my desk, looking busy but not doing a thing. Just sitting there, getting an ulcer, waiting to go home so I could drink myself to sleep. I couldn't sleep because I didn't want to wake up the next day and do it all over again. When I woke up the next day, it took me (literally) 90 minutes to get out of bed every morning, because I didn't want to go to work. I considered quitting and working somewhere else, as I said a few paragraphs earlier. I even considered changing careers; starting over from scratch. As I have two teenage children, a mortgage and a car payment, that didn't seem like a wise idea. I was backed into a corner. Trapped by my job.
Then I ran across this blog article: Reasons Not To Quit Your Job. That last point in particular caught my eye, and in an instant, turned everything around for me.
I know he meant it as a joke, but there's a beauty to its simplicity: Go ahead and quit your job, but do it in your mind.
I really need to explain something here. You see, I was taught by my parents to give 100%. I was taught that I should be the best I could possibly be at whatever I chose to do. So, I was feeling very down on myself for slacking at work. I felt like I was failing myself, my family and my parents, who taught me my work ethic. God knows I was also failing my I.T. Department.
But I've learned something my parents didn't: not everyone deserves your 100%. Big multi-zillion dollar corporations encourage this kind of work ethic, but not because they see it as honorable, like my father did. They're only interested in bleeding you dry for their own gain. Unless your'e a stockholder, they don't care about you, let alone your "work ethic". So it stands to reason: if giving your 100% isn't more honorable, how can giving 1% be less honorable?
My I.T. department instantly noticed my change in mood. I had been under a cloud for almost eight months, and in an instant, I was smiling and happy. "What's your secret?" they asked. I showed them all Brad's blog article. One by one, they looked up from their monitors at me and smiled.
We had a new work ethic.
It works, too! Granted, we've only been doing this for a couple of weeks, but we're the happiest department in the company. We're like family again. We have each other's backs. We cover for one another when one of us decides to skip work for the day. When one of us has been slacking so much that something important gets missed or forgotten, we all pitch in and either help or assist in bullshitting the other departments long enough to cover the blunder. It's the perfect job.
I will share our techniques in future blog posts. I'll admit right now that we don't have many. This is all still new for us, and we're winging it as we go along. Who knows? We may all end up caught in the act and fired. I don't see how (I'll explain in a later post), but it's possible.
Anyway, this blog serves a number of purposes:
* It's an amusing sort of confessional for me.
* It's a convenient place to chronicle our new work ethic. After all, it may or may not work long-term.
* It's a how-to to help you and your I.T. department achieve the same level of happiness we're now enjoying here.
* It makes me look busy at work. :)
At any rate, I hope you get something out of it. I'll warn you now: I will be lying about some things. They'll only be company-related things, as I need to guard my identity, but I thought I'd be up-front with you about that right away. It's not to decieve you as much as it's to protect who I am and where I am. I hope you don't mind.
You might work in I.T. as well. If so, enjoy the show. If you're not working in I.T., you may find this interesting anyway. If you're one of those super-corporate types--the kind running a multi-million dollar company with its own I.T. department--well, this just might keep you up at night.
I work for a multi-million dollar company with offices and personnel in (last I checked) eight states. When I say "I work in I.T.", I don't mean I'm doing part-time phone support. Oh, no. I'm in an administrative/managerial position. I fly cross-country on the company's dime to attend meetings and seminars multiple times every year. I sit in on all the high-level admin meetings, and even look like I'm paying attention! I don't wear a suit, but I probably should. I get away with not wearing a suit because I'm in I.T.--which is one of the little perks of the job, as anyone in I.T. will tell you.
I get away with a lot more, too. You see, I'm a slacker. A bad, bad slacker. In fact, I'm writing this from my nice corner office at work. There are a number of other things I should be doing right now, but I'm simply not doing them. Why? It's a long story, really. One that might be familiar to you, especially if you work in I.T.
I used to be that guy who came to work first and was the last to leave. I was the one who fixed every problem with a smile. I was the guy who made your computer and the network it talked to work as flawlessy as they seem to do in the movies. That was me.
Somewhere along the way, though, things happened. My budgeting proposals were shot down. My reliable computer equipment was vetoed in favor of less-expensive (and far less reliable) alternatives. The budgeting I put aside for training for my staff and me was cut outright, even though it was only four percent of the total budget. "You need to train on your own time and your own budget," I was told, while I watched the accounting and other departments get bonuses, reimbursements, and other perks.
From there it just got worse. All the Business Department's stupid budgeting decisions for how to fund and staff the I.T. department created a lot of problems. And who took the heat? Who got screamed at over the phone? Me. Me and my department paid for the miserliness and idiocy of others. Soon, the level of support we were able to provide slipped further and further into crumbling ruin. We did the best with what little we had, and it still wasn't enough. It just gets worse from there. Although I'd love to do so, I really can't give more details, as that would give away who I am and where I work. For now, you'll have to trust me that things took a decided turn for the worse almost a year ago.
It was very, very hard to keep the best people in my department from quitting, and I couldn't keep them all, unfortunately. What was more of a family than just another bunch of wage-slaves grouped together by skill type was shaken a few times as bright and talented (and well-liked) people either quit or were fired for no good reason. I felt guilty for convincing people to stay. "It'll get better," I said, not knowing if it would or not. Before long, you'd walk into my part of the building and think you'd accidentally stumbled upon a funeral.
I started slacking unconciously at first. I'd avoid people (even my own people) because I just didn't want to deal with the stress anymore. I'd spend weeks at a time at my desk, looking busy but not doing a thing. Just sitting there, getting an ulcer, waiting to go home so I could drink myself to sleep. I couldn't sleep because I didn't want to wake up the next day and do it all over again. When I woke up the next day, it took me (literally) 90 minutes to get out of bed every morning, because I didn't want to go to work. I considered quitting and working somewhere else, as I said a few paragraphs earlier. I even considered changing careers; starting over from scratch. As I have two teenage children, a mortgage and a car payment, that didn't seem like a wise idea. I was backed into a corner. Trapped by my job.
Then I ran across this blog article: Reasons Not To Quit Your Job. That last point in particular caught my eye, and in an instant, turned everything around for me.
I know he meant it as a joke, but there's a beauty to its simplicity: Go ahead and quit your job, but do it in your mind.
I really need to explain something here. You see, I was taught by my parents to give 100%. I was taught that I should be the best I could possibly be at whatever I chose to do. So, I was feeling very down on myself for slacking at work. I felt like I was failing myself, my family and my parents, who taught me my work ethic. God knows I was also failing my I.T. Department.
But I've learned something my parents didn't: not everyone deserves your 100%. Big multi-zillion dollar corporations encourage this kind of work ethic, but not because they see it as honorable, like my father did. They're only interested in bleeding you dry for their own gain. Unless your'e a stockholder, they don't care about you, let alone your "work ethic". So it stands to reason: if giving your 100% isn't more honorable, how can giving 1% be less honorable?
My I.T. department instantly noticed my change in mood. I had been under a cloud for almost eight months, and in an instant, I was smiling and happy. "What's your secret?" they asked. I showed them all Brad's blog article. One by one, they looked up from their monitors at me and smiled.
We had a new work ethic.
It works, too! Granted, we've only been doing this for a couple of weeks, but we're the happiest department in the company. We're like family again. We have each other's backs. We cover for one another when one of us decides to skip work for the day. When one of us has been slacking so much that something important gets missed or forgotten, we all pitch in and either help or assist in bullshitting the other departments long enough to cover the blunder. It's the perfect job.
I will share our techniques in future blog posts. I'll admit right now that we don't have many. This is all still new for us, and we're winging it as we go along. Who knows? We may all end up caught in the act and fired. I don't see how (I'll explain in a later post), but it's possible.
Anyway, this blog serves a number of purposes:
* It's an amusing sort of confessional for me.
* It's a convenient place to chronicle our new work ethic. After all, it may or may not work long-term.
* It's a how-to to help you and your I.T. department achieve the same level of happiness we're now enjoying here.
* It makes me look busy at work. :)
At any rate, I hope you get something out of it. I'll warn you now: I will be lying about some things. They'll only be company-related things, as I need to guard my identity, but I thought I'd be up-front with you about that right away. It's not to decieve you as much as it's to protect who I am and where I am. I hope you don't mind.
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